


It Is Always You

by strawberrymarss



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Arguments, Canon-Compliant, Coffee, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, Fluff, I'm sorry I tried my best, Light Angst, M/M, Seonghwa kinda fucks up, Yelling, also idk shit about double shots so, apologizing, canonverse, jongsang ain't having it, no beta we die like men, please turn a blind eye to any unrealistic parts, questioning feelings, seongsang are best bros because I said so, they're not dating yet, yeosang said hyung please get your shit together x, yeosang the all-knowing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23374654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrymarss/pseuds/strawberrymarss
Summary: A slip of tongue causes a rift to appear between Seonghwa and Hongjoong, and Seonghwa decides he cannot let it grow any bigger, or he'll lose Hongjoong forever.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong & Park Seonghwa, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 10
Kudos: 184





	It Is Always You

**Author's Note:**

> hi, hi ! i wrote this for a friend of mine bc we made a bet and stuff and this happened, tada~~! im actually still struggling with a writer's block, so please! i'm sorry if this doesn't live up to your standards :( ok please enjoy!

It might have been the stress accumulating from all their schedules which caused Hongjoong to snap that day. No one saw it coming, but with Hongjoong, it's usually like that. The leader has trained himself to bottle up his emotions so well that sometimes even Seonghwa didn't see the outburst coming. It’s getting harder and harder for Seonghwa to notice Hongjoong breaking these days. It reminded Seonghwa of how hard it was to get Hongjoong’s walls down back when they were trainees and just met each other.

Back when their schedules were a little more relaxed and they didn't have to constantly face so many people; so many _strangers_ , Hongjoong did allow some vulnerability to slip through his mask so the eldest was able to catch Hongjoong before he hit the ground, shattering like glass. But now, after all the concerts, tours, constant travelling back and forth from South Korea to another country; so much travelling that South Korea, their _home_ , just felt like a stop, interviews in foreign languages, recordings and everything in between, Hongjoong seemed to have retreated further and further into his shell the more overwhelming it got, to the point no one, not even _Seonghwa_ , could reach nor see him anymore. He kept on that confident leader mask, beaming smiles and cheerful laughter, and they followed his lead, everyone a little too preoccupied with their own stress that they didn’t notice the little cracks appearing on Hongjoong’s shield when they turned their heads away from him, little cracks Hongjoong covered so quickly Seonghwa did not catch glimpse of a single one when he turns back to the leader.

It was a normal day. Wake up, breakfast, shower, practice, classes, practice, shower, dinner, again and again, that was the routine they all shared as idols. Seonghwa never really got bored of it, aside from when he had bad days, but this is his passion after all, the reason he came all the way from good old Jinju and tried his luck auditioning at KQ Entertainment, so he never really got tired of it. Besides, he had the members with him; his ATEEZ family, their cool manager and their caring dance teachers to make things fun and exciting for him. But maybe, he admits, he was a little careless that day, playing around a little too much as they warmed up. Hongjoong had told him to be careful, but he had waved the boy off, laughing as he played around with the mischievous umbrella duo; Wooyoung and San.

“Yah, Park Seonghwa, Jung Wooyoung, Choi San,” Hongjoong had called, and Seonghwa is still a little upset that he didn’t notice Hongjoong’s unusually grumpy tone, “stop playing around like that. You could hurt yourself. The floor is slippery, y’know!”

“Gee, Joong-ah, there’s nothing to worry about-”

And then Seonghwa had slipped, and somehow landed on his side which was injured back during the summer of 2019.

A dark past for them all, despite taking place during such a bright and cheerful season.

He had managed to catch himself, but the sudden movement his body was put through had hurt him, so he yelped out in pain as he fell.

“ _Park Seonghwa_!” 

Despite the other members all calling out for him, along with their dance teachers, Seonghwa had only heard Hongjoong’s voice, loud and clear amongst everything else. He wasn’t sure if it was just his imagination, but Hongjoong sounded so… broken, strangled and scared that Seonghwa immediately got worried about Hongjoong instead of about himself. Footsteps were heard as everyone rushed towards him, forming a loose circle around him as he sat up, wincing a little. 

“Seonghwa, you good?” One of their dance teachers knelt before him, worried eyes looking at him.

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine. Might’ve pulled a muscle, but I’m okay,” Seonghwa reassured.

“You sure? We should get you to the clinic-”

“No, no, it’s okay. I didn’t hit my side, so it’s alright,” Seonghwa firmly said, and their dance teacher sighed, before nodding.

“Well, if you say so. Can you stand?” 

Seonghwa nodded, and took the teacher’s hand, pulling himself back up to his feet. Everyone let out sighs of relief, some even playfully hitting him for worrying them (Jongho), but then dispersed, returning to their corners in the practice room where they previously were warming up at. Wooyoung and San apologized to him, but he merely laughed and patted their heads, ruffling their hair as he confirmed he really was fine and it’s nothing big. It was a moment later, when the eldest realized that Hongjoong was still rooted at the spot where he fell, bangs covering his face as he gazed down onto the floor.

Seonghwa turned, guilt forming in his chest when he saw how small Hongjoong looked.

“H-Hey, Joong-ah, I’m okay,” Seonghwa stepped closer. Oh God, how could he forget how worried Hongjoong was when he had injured his side and kept pushing himself even when he knew he shouldn’t? “Joong-ah, hey. Look, I’m-”

“Park Seonghwa, you fucking idiot!” Hongjoong suddenly yelled, startling everyone. Seonghwa froze, as the atmosphere turned cold and the room fell silent. He could feel everyone’s eyes on them.

"Joo-”

“Seonghwa, do you not _care_ about yourself?!” Hongjoong cried out. “You- Why do you never listen to me when I tell you to be careful? You keep- You keep doing shit like this, do you even _know_ how scared I get?”

Seonghwa opened his mouth, and then closed it again as Hongjoong looked up.

There were tears falling from Hongjoong’s eyes.

Seonghwa was stunned.

“Even _back then_ ! I told you to rest, hell, _everyone_ did, but you didn’t listen, you _never_ listened, you blockhead! And then look what happened, you got so hurt that it almost damaged your career forever,” Hongjoong shouted out, as angry as he could sound through the sobs breaking his sentences every now and then. “If you don’t care about what happens to yourself if you keep pushing yourself and being careless, at least think about what we would be without you, jerk!” 

Seonghwa gaped.

Hongjoong was trembling, sobs and hiccups shaking his frame as he furiously scrubbed at the tears continuously rolling down his cheeks. 

“Or do you just not care, Seonghwa? Is that it? Do you hate me, do you hate _us_ ? Do you want out _that_ badly?!”

Seonghwa couldn’t believe that the thought that Seonghwa hated ATEEZ even passed Hongjoong’s mind. He had to stop Hongjoong’s mind from going down that path, he had to stop Hongjoong from letting that thought train go any further into a darker place.

“No!” Seonghwa found himself exclaiming, and he kicked himself as it sounded harsher than it should have. “Hongjoong-ah, what makes you think I hate you guys?!”

Seonghwa hated how his tone sounded too defensive and too harsh, hated how high the volume of his voice was. He should’ve controlled it better, he saw more breakdowns from Hongjoong than any other member, he should’ve calmed down and thought of what he should say better. 

Guilt flared in Seonghwa’s chest as Hongjoong inhaled brokenly.

“You always- You always push yourself too hard even when we tell you not to. Do you even _care_ about what would happen to us if you collapse, Seonghwa? It’s eight of us, it’s _always_ eight of us, so why- _why_ are you risking that? Why do you always-”

The words that came out of Seonghwa’s mouth were too fast for him to stop before it rolled off his tongue.

“Says the one who spends his nights sleeping in the studio’s chair and almost never comes home."

Hongjoong fell silent, his eyes wide as he stared at Seonghwa, mouth hanging open in shock. 

“A-Ah, hyung,” Yunho piped up from somewhere in the practice room. “W-Why don’t we-”

"What…?” Hongjoong’s voice was barely a whisper, but everyone in the pin drop silent room heard it loud and clear.

Especially Seonghwa. The phrase, the way Hongjoong said it in such _hurt_ and disbelief, the way the flames in Hongjoong’s eyes died, it struck him like a sword through his heart.

Guilt ate away at Seonghwa, devouring him from the inside. 

He wished the earlier flames in the younger’s eyes returned so it could burn away the gnawing pain of guilt in his chest.

“What… How… How could you…” Hongjoong’s lips trembled as more tears fell from his eyes, as he stared up at Seonghwa.

Stared up at Seonghwa like he was _betrayed_.

Seonghwa felt like he betrayed Hongjoong too. He knew the younger spent all his time in the studio for the group, he knew how much Hongjoong dedicated himself to the tracks he produced, he knew how much it meant to him.

But…

But Seonghwa still said that.

Even if it was a slip of tongue, even if it could have been so much worse, he still said them; the words which are sharper than a knife and crueler than a tyrant.

“Hongjoong…” Seonghwa started, but was cut off by Hongjoong holding up a hand.

“Don’t.”

That was all Hongjoong said before he turned around, head down as he went to take his belongings, before storming out of the room, ignoring Yunho calling out after him. Everyone was as still as statues, mouths agape as they stared at the door which slammed shut, as if processing what just happened.

Seonghwa wished Hongjoong had just burnt him to ashes with the raging fire in his eyes when he had first yelled.

That would hurt less than this guilt killing him so slowly and torturously, Seonghwa thought.

\---

When they returned to the dorms later on, Hongjoong was nowhere to be found.

“He’s at the studio,” the manager informed them after a quick call to the studio’s keeper, looking pointedly at Seonghwa, “the guard confirmed.”

The members hummed, all unsure of what to say.

“I think I’ll go to the studio,” Jongho spoke up, “I’ve got some parts to work on and-”

Seonghwa saw, out of the corner of his eye, how Yeosang touched Jongho on the arm, saw how Yeosang shook his head and Jongho fell silent. 

“... Maybe not,” Jongho mumbled, eyes cast downwards onto the ground.

“Well, why don’t you all rest up first?” The manager suggested, clapping his hands together. “I’ll go to the company building. I’ve got something to discuss with Eden, anyway. Everyone, don’t skip your dinner, okay?”

A chorus of ‘okay~’ sounded, but Seonghwa couldn’t find it in him to join in like he usually did.

The eldest wearily walked to the room he shared with Hongjoong, not caring about the gazes the members gave him. The only thing in his mind was the guilt he felt as he worried about Hongjoong, worried about how he was going to fix this. He entered his—no, _their_ —room quietly, shutting the door close behind him and leaned back onto it, as he slid down onto the floor. He didn't care when he accidentally bumped the back of his head onto the door as he stared up to the ceiling, feeling the tears well up in his eyes. 

"Stupid Seonghwa," he murmured as the first tears fell, "he was just worried about you, idiot."

\---

The next day saw Seonghwa running late to their English lesson, weighed down by his worries and the horrible sleep he had gotten the night before thinking about Hongjoong. He had taken a shower, ate some dinner—if you could call a bowl of cereal dinner—and immediately went to bed, leaving the door ajar in hopes to make it easier for Hongjoong when the leader returned from the studio—Hongjoong didn't return while he was awake, but Seonghwa did notice his bag discarded haphazardly next to his desk and heard the water running in the toilet around 4 in the morning—but he tossed and turned, waking up every hour or so, sighing as he felt a headache start sometime around 6 a.m. He had slept through his alarm to get up at nine, causing him to rush through his shower and morning routines to make it to class, arriving ten minutes late. 

"Teacher, I'm so sorry for being late!" Seonghwa breathlessly apologized when he arrived at the room they usually used for English lessons, frantically bowing deeply. 

“Ah, it’s okay, Seonghwa, just don’t make it a habit!” The teacher smiled, “go and sit. We’re going to start the class now. I hope you have all done your homework!”

The teacher no longer paid attention to him, engaging in playful friendly chat with the other members, who jokingly acted as if they forgot about the homework and mischievously complained. Seonghwa sat down on the first empty seat he saw, sighing in relief when he plopped down onto the seat, leaning back to catch his breath, closing his eyes.

Wait.

Seonghwa’s eyes snapped open, as he looked to his left. Hongjoong sat there, eyes trained to the front, not even sparing Seonghwa a glance. Hongjoong’s lips were in a straight line, his expression tight, and Seonghwa could see the dark circles under his eyes, a notion that Hongjoong hadn’t been sleeping well.

(In Seonghwa’s mind, a dark part of him sadly chuckled that Hongjoong never sleeps anyway.)

But the dark circles look worse, and Seonghwa didn’t miss the way Hongjoong’s eyes were red and he couldn’t help but think Hongjoong’s miserable state; with his pale face, tight expression, tense shoulders, red eyes, hair sticking all over the place, was caused by what happened yesterday.

Guilt flared again in Seonghwa’s chest.

He stared at the younger, wanting to reach out and pull the boy close to his chest, wanting to reach out and apologize, wanting to reach out and tell Hongjoong how much he treasured the work the leader put, wanting to reach out and tell Hongjoong everything on his mind. He didn’t know how long he stared, but he snapped out of it when the teacher called out his name.

“-hwa! Seonghwa?” The teacher called, and Seonghwa blinked, snapping out of his trance.

“A-Ah, yes?”

“Could you tell us the answer to Question 6, please?”

Seonghwa looked down onto the book he had mindlessly put onto the table when he sat down, blank.

“Um…”

Another book slid into his view from his left, open to the page the question the teacher asked was on. Seonghwa followed the familiar index finger—the finger he had watched countless times work on keyboards and clothes, tapping to rhythms, pulling on threads carefully—and answered accordingly, the teacher humming approvingly as the answer turned out correct.

“Excellent, Seonghwa! Try not to space out for the rest of the class, or I won’t let you go as easily!” The teacher scolded lightly, and went back to teaching. “Now, onto the next question!”

Seonghwa let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He focused his gaze onto the page, but he couldn’t stop his eyes from stealing a glance at Hongjoong. The leader’s eyes were still glued to the whiteboard, his expression still tight, eyes still red, and dark circles still there.

And Hongjoong didn’t show any signs of wanting to even look at Seonghwa.

\---

The silent treatment, stubbornly ignoring the elephant in the room, went on for a few days. Seonghwa spent the rest of the week busying himself with anything; games, chores, adding on extra classes and practice sessions atop the schedule already laid out for them, anything, _anything_ to keep his mind from worrying about the ever growing distance between him and Hongjoong. Seonghwa knew he had to reach out before Hongjoong became too far to reach, knew he had to reach out before the leader retreated deep into his shell until no one could ever find him, let alone see his true self. 

But he was scared. 

The guilt eating away at him whispered to him at night, malicious voices in his head telling him Hongjoong would never forgive him, that he had fucked up so badly, that he won’t ever be able to fix this, no matter how hard he tried. During the day, he could at least push them away and run into the warmth of his members.

During the night, the voices only grew louder, dark tendrils grabbing onto his mind, latching harder when he tried to shake them off.

Hongjoong came home less too, constantly staying at the studio, only returning home at ungodly hours, just enough time to take a nap for three or four hours at most, and then continuing on with their set schedule of the day. It killed Seonghwa more and more, it hurt the eldest when Hongjoong obviously tried to avoid him at all costs; taking showers way before or way later than Seonghwa, getting another member to get him a bottle when Seonghwa helped the manager pass out the water bottles during practice, hell, Seonghwa even found Hongjoong napping on the couch one night instead of coming into the room to sleep. He hated that, knowing Hongjoong, the leader decided to sleep on the couch in order to not disturb Seonghwa, but Seonghwa couldn’t be upset at the leader; he caused Hongjoong to be this way.

He prayed, every night, for God, or any higher being existing, to _please_ show him what to do next, how to fix the boy he had carelessly broken.

\---

Salvation for them came in the form of Yeosang and Jongho, unsurprisingly. The two are often very observant and aren’t afraid to speak out their minds. 

Well, for Seonghwa, it was Yeosang. On day five of Resolutely Ignoring Each Other As Well As The Problem, Yeosang had walked up to Seonghwa, volunteering to buy drinks with the eldest who lost their rock-paper-scissors game. Seonghwa knew Yeosang had something to say, oh, the boy, even though he is quiet, he always made it known if he didn’t like something or if he had something to say. And even more so with Seonghwa, he had no fear whatsoever telling Seonghwa what he thinks directly to the eldest member’s face.

“So,” Yeosang started as they were picking out the drinks the members requested. Seonghwa was fixated on finding the one Hongjoong wanted—strawberry yogurt drink? Seonghwa tried his best to remember which brand Hongjoong often talked about or drank, diving into his precious memories of the leader—when Yeosang spoke.

‘ _Ah shit, here we go,_ ’ Seonghwa thought to himself, biting his bottom lip nervously, preparing himself.

“This is getting terrible, hyung. You both look so miserable, trying to pretend like you’re ignoring each other, like you don’t want to even look at each other, but constantly stealing glances and shit. It’s been _five_ days, hyung, come on!” Yeosang scolded, irritation and anger clear on his face. “You’re both the eldest two, but I swear, you guys act the most childish sometimes.”

“It’s not that easy, Yeo—” Seonghwa reached up a hand to massage his temples.

“Of course it’s not going to be easy, hyung.”

The change in Yeosang’s tone made Seonghwa pause and look at the other.

Yeosang’s eyes were still angry, but there was pity swimming in them, as he sighed. 

"Hyung… The longer you leave this, the worse it’s gonna get. It’s not easy, but you can’t let it be. One of you has to step up and start the conversation,” Yeosang said calmly, like a parent lecturing their child.

‘ _Why does it have to be me?_ ’ Seonghwa wanted to ask, but he knew exactly why. He had to step up first, or at least try to, because he was the one who said those words, and hurt Hongjoong.

He knew he was in the wrong, maybe they both are wrong, but he knew he shouldn’t have said those words, and he knew he should apologize.

But _how_?

 _How_?

“How, you ask?” Yeosang echoed, and Seonghwa snapped his head up. Did he say that out loud?

Yeosang ran a hand through his hair, letting out another sigh.

“I can’t believe I have to teach you step by step. Those dramas you watched really aren’t useful, huh,” Yeosang half-smiled, amused at the little poke at Seonghwa’s hobby of watching dramas. “Firstly, you could start by figuring out when you could get the both of you to talk. Alone. Just the two of you.”

Seonghwa stared at Yeosang, amazed, like a student watching their teacher solve a difficult question.

“Secondly, be sincere. That’s the most important part. You have to be sincere, hyung, you need to show him you are sorry, and you just want to help and make sure he’s okay,” Yeosang continued, “It’s saddening that I’m even saying this; but out of all of us, I think you are the one he is most comfortable to share his burdens with. I know he doesn’t mean anything malicious by it, I think Hongjoong-hyung just feels some sort of responsibility to not trouble us, but…”

“I get it,” Seonghwa sighed, his gaze dropping to the floor. “But I’m so scared, Yeosang… Every night I think of this… And it scares me… The possibilities of what would happen next terrify me, Sang.”

“Like they say, you never know until you try, Seonghwa-hyung,” Yeosang replied, his tone now gentle. Then, Seonghwa felt a warm squeeze on his shoulder. “And are you just gonna let all your hard work getting his walls down during our trainee days go to waste, just like this, just let him go back to his old self who kept us at an arm’s length and further, wearing a mask?”

Seonghwa shook his head rapidly. He never wanted, nor does he ever want Hongjoong to feel that way anymore.

“That’s what I thought,” Yeosang bent a little, peering up at Seonghwa’s face, showing his beaming grin, “so don’t give up, and do your best, yeah, Ddeonghwa-hyung?”

Seonghwa chuckled softly at the random cutesy act, and pinched Yeosang’s cheek.

“Thanks, Yeosangie.”

\---

Seonghwa decided if he was going to do this, he had better do it fast. If he waited any longer, he'd lose the desire to want to fix this and would just give up, and then, there would be no chances of restoring their precious bond. The day after his little counselling session with Yeosang in the convenience store, they had a free day to themselves, and Hongjoong, as always, spent his time at Eden's studio. If Hongjoong won't stay nor come to him, then Seonghwa would go to him, the eldest member had firmly decided. 

"Jongho-ya," Seonghwa called as he pushed the slightly agape door to the room the youngest shared with Mingi. 

Jongho sat up from his position of laying on his stomach on his bed, looking at Seonghwa curiously. 

"Yes, hyung?"

Mingi looked at Seonghwa too with the same curiosity. 

"Eden told us to come to his studio for something with the future album's song right? Let's go today," Seonghwa said, not tearing his eyes away from Jongho's, even when the youngest raised an eyebrow. 

He heard a soft, amused huff from Mingi, and resisted the urge to knock the boy on the head. He's trying his best, come on! 

"Today? But it isn't urgent though…" Jongho replied, and Seonghwa was about to insist again, when Jongho smiled and got down from his bed. "But, sure. Let's do it!"

Seonghwa grinned brightly, happy that Jongho was acting according to his plan. 

"Hyung, let me just make myself look presentable, okay? I'll be out in a second," Jongho said, and then pulled Mingi up. "Mingi-hyung, you too, get out!"

Mingi groaned as Jongho pushed him out of the room, Seonghwa catching him before he fell flat on his face onto the floor. The door closed, and they heard the lock click, and Seonghwa blinked, holding a grumbling Mingi in his arms. 

"Hyung," Mingi said, muffled by Seonghwa’s shoulder his face was buried in.

"Yeah?"

"You'd better make this right, okay?"

Seonghwa smiled. 

"I'll do my best."

\---

"Eden-hyung, are you in there?” Seonghwa called out, knocking on Eden’s studio the producer shared with Hongjoong. “Jongho and I are here about that track you told us about.”

"Ah, Seonghwa, Jongho!” Eden opened the door, greeting them cheerfully. “Come on in, come on in.”

Eden ushered them in with his usual friendliness, and Seonghwa took in his surroundings. The studio hadn’t really changed, the same old couch and curtains were there, only it looked like Eden had gotten himself some new equipment to work with. And, of course, Hongjoong was there at his little workstation, staring at the mixing application on his laptop screen, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, fingers diligently tapping on his keyboard to produce the best version of whatever new song he was working on. Seonghwa looked at Hongjoong for a second too long, before Eden called them over to sit on the couch and discussed the song. They hummed as they listened to what Eden wanted, nodding along. 

Suddenly, in the middle of Eden’s explanation, they heard Hongjoong stand up. Eden turned, looking at Hongjoong, and so did Seonghwa and Jongho.

“Oh, uh, sorry,” Hongjoong bowed his head, “gonna go to the toilet and grab a drink.”

“Oh, okay. Go ahead, Joong-ah!” 

Hongjoong half-smiled, and in his eyes Seonghwa saw exhaustion, before grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair and went out of the room.

Seonghwa turned back to Eden, as the producer continued with their previous topic, talking about what he wanted them to work on in order to be prepared for the song’s recording session. Jongho even took some notes for the both of them, knowing that Seonghwa’s mind was in another place, not truly focused on Eden. 

A few minutes later, Eden leaned back and smiled at them.

“Okay, that’s all. I trust you both will be able to pull this off, so work hard, okay?” Eden said. “You’re off to go, Seonghwa. Jongho, stay a bit longer, I have something else to talk to you about.”

“Hyung, you can wait for me outside,” Jongho grinned knowingly, and Seonghwa smiled, nodding. 

After bowing to Eden, Seonghwa left the room, shutting the door close behind him. He took a deep breath, before he turned to the direction of the restroom, where it was located at the end of the hallway, and the vending machine stood nearby, along with a bench. No one was around, so he assumed Hongjoong hadn’t finished his business in the toilet. Seonghwa took a deep breath.

This was it.

\---

Seonghwa sat on the far end of the bench, nursing a cup of hot chocolate, when the door opened and out walked Hongjoong. Hongjoong looked _so_ tired, and it took all of Seonghwa not to just spring up and pull the younger into a tight embrace. Even if it looked like what Hongjoong needed, doing that might just push the other further away from him, since Hongjoong isn't really the biggest fan of skinship, so Seonghwa refrained. Hongjoong sighed heavily as he took out his wallet, pulling out some money as he stood in front of the vending machine, before he froze and turned, looking at Seonghwa. 

"Hwa.”

The nickname came out in a whisper, but the silent hallway, with only the soft hum of the vending machine as ambience, allowed Seonghwa to hear it, and the eldest member felt his chest fill with guilt and… dare he call it love. Platonic? Romantic? That’s a question for him to ponder some other time—maybe, at 3 a.m. today? But, nevertheless, some other time. Right now, he had to apologize to Hongjoong and fix all of this before it’s too late.

“Joong,” Seonghwa smiled softly. 

Hongjoong fell silent, as he pushed the money into the machine, and tapped on his choice of drink. Seonghwa leaned back, as he sipped on the hot chocolate he held. The machine hummed a little louder as it made the drink. The faint smell of coffee wafted out, despite the glass door covering the takeout port, and Seonghwa smiled to himself a little melancholically. Of course, it would be coffee. Hongjoong would rather run on cups of the caffeinated drink rather than sleep if it meant getting him more time to work and perfect his projects.

"Espresso?” Seonghwa asked softly as Hongjoong bent to take his drink. 

"Yeah, double shot,” Hongjoong answered as he took the cup out. The aroma of coffee strengthened, and while its scent was pleasant, Seonghwa knew the bitter hell it masked. Well, for him, it was hellish bitterness, but for people like Jongho, it was nothing. “Costed me a lot compared to the other drinks too,” Hongjoong grumbled softly, and Seonghwa found the energy—and courage—to chuckle at that. 

“I thought you don’t like bitter things, Joong-ah,” Seonghwa commented, watching Hongjoong blow on the drink and take a sip from it. 

Has Hongjoong’s lips always looked that soft and kissable?

Hongjoong frowned as the taste of the drink hit him, before he shook his head vigorously, letting out a disgusted noise. 

“No, I don’t like bitter things,” Hongjoong replied, “but I gotta do what I gotta do.”

Seonghwa hummed in response. 

Silence enveloped them again. 

Hongjoong still stood there, sipping on his coffee as Seonghwa took a few sips of his hot chocolate. 

Seonghwa guessed that’s what five days of resolutely ignoring each other did to people. 

“Well, if you don’t mind, I’ll be going back to the—” Hongjoong started walking away, and Seonghwa found himself jerking forward, grabbing onto Hongjoong’s wrist as he passed by him. 

“Wait, Joong-ah!” Seonghwa found himself exclaiming, and Hongjoong looked down at him, surprised. 

“Huh?”

Seonghwa discarded his cup—it was almost empty, he wasn’t a heathen to waste good hot chocolate—and stood up, facing Hongjoong, who looked at him, confused. 

“I’m sorry!” Seonghwa bowed deeply at a right angle. “Hongjoong-ah, I’m sorry for what I said the other day. I knew that all the time you spend in the studio is for our sake and I know how much it means to you. But I still said those words, I still said them, even when I knew it’s such a horrible thing to say.”

Hongjoong stayed silent. 

Seonghwa saw it as a sign to keep going.

‘’I don’t… I know you were worried for me, and you must have been stressed. I’m so sorry, Hongjoong-ah, for not noticing you were stressed, I’m so sorry for not being there for you, and I’m so sorry for saying those words. I—”

“Park Seonghwa, you idiot.”

Seonghwa dared to look up. 

Tears rolled down Hongjoong’s cheeks, as he held his coffee close to his chest, trembling.

"H-Hong—”

"I’m not mad… I’m not mad at you… It’s not you I’m mad at,” Hongjoong sobbed, and Seonghwa returned to his full height, mouth opening and closing like a fish’s as he looked at the younger, blinking. He felt like a deer in the headlights. 

“I was… but I stopped being mad at you, I was just… so upset at myself,” Hongjoong sniffed, “I was so mad that I blew up at you over nothing. I should have controlled myself better, especially because the kids were present… I was so embarrassed.. So upset at myself… And I felt so, _so_ guilty, Seonghwa. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Seonghwa felt his heart shatter listening to Hongjoong as the younger poured out his heart, baring it for Seonghwa to see. Hongjoong, who was just worried for him, Hongjoong, who was so stressed because he wanted only the best for his family, Hongjoong, who went through so much, Hongjoong who felt guilt even when he wasn’t to blame, Hongjoong, Seonghwa’s precious Hongjoong he wouldn’t ever trade for the world. 

“Can I hug you, Joongie?” Seonghwa softly asked, and Hongjoong nodded.

A broken ‘please’ came from the younger, and Seonghwa stepped closer, wrapping his arms around Hongjoong. Hongjoong sobbed harder, as he cried into Seonghwa’s shoulder, and Seonghwa kept on holding him; something he realised he should have done a long time ago, something he should do a lot more often. 

“Hongjoong-ah… you didn’t hurt me… it wasn’t your fault, Joong-ah,” Seonghwa muttered, rubbing the younger’s back in soothing circles. 

Seonghwa felt the need to protect the younger from everything evil in the world, he felt the need, the willingness to even _die,_ if it meant Hongjoong is always safe and happy.

“It’s okay, Hongjoong-ah, you were just worried about me, it’s okay,” Seonghwa reassured, and Hongjoong’s sobs began to die down, “you’re very strong, Joong-ah, you always take on your burdens alone. It’s okay to share it with us, Joong-ah, it’s okay.”

“ _Seonghwa,_ ” Hongjoong cried, and Seonghwa shushed him. 

“I’m here, Hongjoong, I’m here,” Seonghwa soothed the crying boy. “I’m sorry it took me awhile, but I'm here now.”

Hongjoong was still hiccupping a little when he pulled away from Seonghwa’s embrace, rubbing at his cheeks. Seonghwa cooed, helping wipe away Hongjoong’s tears, causing the younger to blush a little. 

“Better, Joong-ah?” Seonghwa asked, and Hongjoong nodded. 

"I’m sorry, Hwa,” Hongjoong apologized again, and Seonghwa shook his head. 

“No, _I’m_ sorry, Joongie, you did nothing wrong,” Seonghwa smiled.

“But I yelled at you and said mean things…”

“Okay, okay, you can apologize for that, but it’s nothing, okay? I wasn’t even hurt, yeah?” Seonghwa comforted, and Hongjoong nodded. “But I am sorry, Hongjoong-ah, I shouldn’t have said those words to you.” Seonghwa frowned as he apologized again, feeling the guilt grow in his chest again.

“Yeah, you were mean,” Hongjoong mumbled, and Seonghwa gasped. 

“I’m sorry, Hongjoong, I really am—”

"But I get what you mean,” Hongjoong cut the other off, smiling. “You’re right, how can I tell others to take care of themselves when I don’t care for myself?” 

Seonghwa frowned. “But that was a terrible choice of words. I appreciate your efforts, I always am so thankful for your hard work, Hongjoong-ah. I’m thankful for you.”

Hongjoong beamed, and squeezed Seonghwa’s hand. 

"Thank you, Hwa, that means a lot to me.”

"Though…" Seonghwa mumbled and Hongjoong looked at him attentively. "Please share your burdens with us, Joong-ah."

Hongjoong's expression fell, as guilt took over his face. Seonghwa scrambled to stop Hongjoong from being devoured by his own guilt.

"H-Hongjoong, wait! It's… We understand why you try to shoulder all your burdens alone, but if you ever need help... I just want you to know that it's okay to come to us and everyone is more than willing to help you in any way they can, Hongjoong," Seonghwa elaborated. 

"Yeah, I get it," Hongjoong nodded, "thank you, Seonghwa. I'm thankful for each one of you, and I'm really glad we found each other."

Seonghwa's heart fluttered at that, even though he knew Hongjoong meant 'we' as in ATEEZ. It couldn't mean Hongjoong and him.

"I'm glad to be here, too, Joong-ah," Seonghwa smiled, and they stood there, smiling at each other, feeling their chests lighten, and the way breathing got easier. Silence enveloped them again, this time warm and soothing.

The studio's door clicked open down the hallway, and Seonghwa saw Jongho step out, waving at him. Seonghwa smiled, and looked down at Hongjoong. 

“So… is it okay to ask you to come home with Jongho and I today? I miss my roommate,” Seonghwa playfully poked, grinning, and Hongjoong giggled.

“Yeah, I’ll give this coffee to Eden instead,” Hongjoong gave Seonghwa’s hand another squeeze as they walked back to the studio together, hand in hand.

If they were extra touchy and clingy around each other for the next two weeks, the others kept their mouths shut and turned a blind eye to it, knowing this was a small price to pay in order to get their two beloved eldest members back to normal. 

(Except for Yeosang, he made Seonghwa excuse him—and Jongho, because apparently, Jongho had confronted Hongjoong on day five of the Ignoring Tragedy of Eldest Friends, and Hongjoong had confirmed it—from all chores for a whole week, and basically drained Seonghwa’s wallet dry making the eldest buy him whatever he wanted—he was merciful enough to pick things they could actually afford—for the next week. Seonghwa couldn’t even complain, because without Yeosang (and Jongho), he wouldn’t even be here now, and things would have worsened to the point of irreversible damage.

And perhaps, he’d need Yeosang to help him figure out this fluttering feeling in his chest he gets whenever Hongjoong is close, but of course, that is another thing to ponder about another day.)

**Author's Note:**

> i hope that was okay !! do leave some kudo's and comments if you'd like ! 💕 thank u !


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